[Music] well hey you guys I am so excited about today's episodes for a lot of reasons because I think one of the questions we get when it comes to money is around kids and family but also a specific segment when it comes to adoption so I'm so excited that Marcy BAC is joining us because she is an expert on this entire field and her heart is so big when it comes to the world of adoption so Marcy thank for being here I am so delighted to be able to spend time with you Rachel and to be able to share with your listeners what kind of I learned the hard way that hopefully can help them really make a dream I feel like we've just kind of been in the same circles and specifically when it comes to you know doing this financially wise as well has been a big part so talk to me through International versus domestic timeline wise and financially like how much it costs on each of those yeah so when you go through adoption you have three choices you can do International you can do domestic or you can do foster care adoption so with International Adoption minimum you're going to spend is about $34,000 out of pocket through all the travel expenses legal fees Etc through domestic infant adoption minimum is $30,000 so slightly less still sub substantial right and then for foster care adoption you're spending anywhere from zero to $5,000 depends on the state but all of that is then refundable through a federal tax credit and then additionally through foster care adoption things like like Health Insurance Dental Insurance typically States cover a significant portion until the child's 18 on top of it some states even offer like child carees like before and after school programs preschool until the children are 13 so I often say that in the foster care space this really has nothing to do with finances like it's not can I afford this it's really a question you ask with your heart of when a child's coming from a situation like this can I really help them through this and Can I Endure a lot of emotional things myself for sure yeah that's so that's so good because I do know you know have a family is expensive right but even the process to get there for some people depending on their Journey whether they're you know looking to you know do IVF or they're looking you know for infertility treatments whether they're looking for adoption rout I like all of these to a point some people say oh my gosh I just don't even know if we can afford to do this and I don't know if I want to take the risk financially to try something that may not work out right so there's like all these questions and I feel like that's what I get a lot in my life of work and people like how do I what does this look like to cash flow this or what does this look like to be wise financially but the thing is about this specific route it is the least expensive and in a way I mean I I think our church is huge when it comes to foster care and Tennessee kids belong as an organization that we pair so closely with and like it it's one of the most beautiful pictures I feel like of Life of these children um and all adoption is you know for sure but specifically in the foster care world I'm like there there's something there but what what do you see the push back for people when it comes to that specific Lane when it comes to adoption yeah well there's stigma and I'm just going to call that out like they're just a stigma and I think that's even where I feel so like encouraged to go and share with people that like yes there's stigma but it's not all true is there a bit of Truth sort of right but in that often What I Hear families is I'm talking to them and and a lot of people similarly I imagine Rachel that I hear from people that go the the biological route that that kind of first trimester you're really only talking to kind of your close friends and your significant other about anything you're thinking and feeling because you don't want to tell everyone yet and it's similar in the adoption space where like you don't want to just tell everyone you're thinking this and in fact you don't want to just ask anyone questions cuz there's just a lot of judgment you feel kind of weird to ask things like that right and so a lot of the common things I hear are things like how do I know that I can handle emotionally connecting with a child that I'm not biologically related to right how do I know that I am capable of parenting how do I know that I'm going to be equipped for all of the things that come up and they're really healthy wh ifs I mean John right he talks to us about like fear is real and like get knowledge and so that's really where I encourage families is like yes these are real good questions but often times the questions that can kind of paralyze us are ones that are identical questions and fears if we were to have biological children like you have no guarantee so true that any of this is going to go one way or another and a lot of it is just being humble asking for help whether you're learning from experts or you're talking to someone who's already gone down this path or you're just telling a good friend like I just need a break or I just need a hug like advocating for yourself is really really big in the space and then a lot of too is also addressing your own childhood wounds cuz when you're in a relationship usually one person tends to be like gung-ho and the other one's a little like well I sort of was on the same page with you or I'm not exactly sure and a lot of that is weighted and I haven't done my own self-work where I need to process through my own wounds um so that can be a little bit of a barrier and in fact my husband was my first podcast guest and he there's a term called The Reluctant spouse so like I was ready when we found the paperwork 5 years later and he was kind of like but I really love being single like having no children this is like I have to give up freedom and they're real things right it's real to recognize that like all of a sudden your life's disrupted by appointments and things that you have no idea how to predict yes oh because it does it can be an intimidating process to jump in so what is like one of the first step or two for people if this is something that they're interested in that they can kind of start going on this path yeah immediate step is check your heart it's that simple so for instance there's about onethird of people that pursue adoption for whether it's International domestic or fost adoption about onethird of people are impacted by infertility and it's a real good motive but at the same time you've really got to check your heart of am I going to be able okay like kind of grieving the loss of a dream I had and can I set that aside so that I can help children that need help and not kind of project my expectations from that space so it's really about you going why am I doing this am am I willing to kind of stick it out because no matter which path you take there's a lot of ups and downs and emotionally it's it's exhausting and so it's it's you doing that heart workk that's the very first place to start um and I cover a lot of those questions in my first book The Forgotten adoption option is really you kind of sitting down whether you're single or you're in a relationship really talking through your why and making sure that like you're in a healthy spot to get started that's so good so I know state by state right different laws when it comes to foster care so on average how many kids enter into foster care that never do get adopted or go back to their original parents or parent okay here's the path of foster care so just in case listeners are not as aware uh children enter foster care because of abuse neglect trauma or maybe there's like a loss like a death in the family so they're put into the system and the adults in their lives are supposed to get back on their feet um and they're supposed to reunify that's the entire goal of foster that's the Hope right for everyone that's yeah they're reconciled together 50% of the time the children return 50% of the time they don't so that's where we have children in foster care today so of all of the children in care right now 30% are adoptable meaning they're not going back home there's already been a legal process to that um to put a number to that it's 18,000 children so roughly state by state like I think Tennessee right now it's a little over a thousand where I'm at Missouri it's roughly about the same and so it the math on it is really intriguing it's something like if one church one person from each Christian church across the country did this we'd have no children waiting to be adopted like it's very solvable yes that is one thing our church we do a we do a whole Sunday per year one per year that is all around this specifically and that is one thing that you know we talk about in the show a lot control which you can control right cuz there's a lot of things in the world and in life you guys and you all know this like that you just you can't but there are things that can be solvable in the world right and um you know I think there's some daunting ones like world hunger or something like that that is like oh my gosh it just feels so big and there's organizations that come around it that you know try to help with the problem but when you put the specific numbers to this specific need uh it is amazing um you know that you can see that it is stable and I think one thing we talk about giving a lot on this show that it needs to be a part of your financial plan overall and that looks like money in one case I really do am a firm believer in that I'm like you need to be giving away money uh I think it just helps in your heart and this entire process of learning of how to get control of your money uh but you can also give your time you can give other things you know in some cases you can give your life like in a really big way with this or plugging in um and this is where other organizations do so well you guys that if you know fostering if you're like my gosh we're just not out of a position to do that right now you know there's organizations that we have this at our church that it's called the wraparound Ministry and and if someone goes and becomes a foster parent everything is taken care like like people come around and take care of them so whether it's their yard their groceries their meals getting diapers getting strollers getting equipment I mean everything is done for them to help support in that way and so I think that is one thing to Think Through creatively in any part of life when it comes to giving and serving that you know the call um that specific thing may not look like like it for your specific life but what are ways that you can support and love the people around you so what are other ways if people know you know others in their community that may be embarking on this process what are ways that would be a beautiful way for people to come and support Foster families yeah and I think you hit it straight on that that Community aspect is so important and some people like if you if you're like an organizer starter kind of person like please start this at your church there's so much Rich success around the country when churches do this right but if you're like well my church isn't big enough or that's not my skill cool right or even on a church Community great things you can do are offer to run errands offer to make a meal sometimes families get a little bit less likely to say oh you can care for the children right now that they just need your support yes um and sometimes we don't have the words to tell you what we need and so it's sort of a guessing game right but even just hey you want to go for a walk tomorrow morning I'm going to get you a coffee while we're walking or hey we have all of these things would you like any of them or I'm going to go pick up one for myself I'm going to get one for you too I had a family when we were setting up our home so our kids were in preschool we met we had less than a week to prepare for them to move in and a friend was actually in the process of moving her home across the um kind of region and I'm talking to her and I'm still like I don't even have any idea how to prepare and she's pulling stuff out of her cabinets and she's like my kids are grown would you like a high chair would you like a this and it was so incredibly helpful because I thought well I'll go home and think about this and she was like no no no like I can help you right now we just do it yeah and that kind of friend to me is like so helpful cuz she didn't want anything for for it she just wanted she was like I'm going to get rid of this stuff anyway so you can have it I also had a neighbor um whose relative worked for one of the major department stores and I had a list of things we were still trying to get so she was like hi I'd like to get those items for you and we're going to get you the employee discount on those items wow so she ran to the store for me so I had time to like tidy my home I had a friend out of state that really wanted to like be there with me through all of this and so I'm like cleaning up the home late at night like probably 24 hours from meeting my kids and I get a text message and she said I don't think about I need you to think about the thing you don't have that you wish you would have and it was the sweetest thing and she said don't even go shopping just tell me and I was like we don't have a rack for backpacks and she goes measure it and that's all I want you to do and so she sent me like five in a text message and said pick one and she amazoned it it was like the easiest thing but it took off such a relief on me to be like I do my kids to feel like their backpacks have a home they were meant to be here yes that's so good so good so that's what I think thinking out of the box and getting creative in this way again if this isn't your specific story or Journey um things are happening around to you guys so be encouraged by that so what caused you to go on this whole journey when it comes to um your new books about fostering specifically to adopt but also just adoption in general yeah well I became an adoptive mom uh my husband and I decided that adoption was going to be our plan a which was kind of countercultural at the point we kind of some of the churches we were at were like wait what we like no like we know we're called to do this and for me um I actually went to church here in Nashville and our church hit taken a group of us to serve in an orphanage in Europe and I spent a lot of time with the older girls and became very aware of like older child needs and a lot of these kids have been dropped off there by their families who couldn't afford to feed and like care for them and that was just really deep on my heart I saw something that I was like I'm a little too close in age it's not quite right now but I really like I really want to help in this and then when my husband and I were dating and it got real serious and I'm like hey don't know if this is a deal breaker FYI but this is actually I'm like I don't know how my works or not but like this is really what's on my heart and he was like well me too and I was like what and his grandfather Grandpa Sam was a first generation immigrant from Serbia and he Sam and his two older siblings lived in St Louis which is where I live and when Sam was seven the mom and the dad died of pneumonia this is like 1920s like really different time with how we could treat this right sure sure so Sam this is interesting his two older siblings got taken in by a family had farm and he could they could help on the farm and Sam was left the streets so he grew up sleeping in the back of grocery stores he begged for food he has a really amazing story about like coming to Faith and ends up actually using his street smarts and becoming a used car salesman really well um but for us it was really we've seen this need um we want to my husband said I want to adopt domestically older children you want to do the older child but let's do kids in the US cuz that's where grandpa say I'm like what if what if somebody had helped him too and what if he and his siblings had stayed together and Rachel it took us five years this sounds so silly cuz some people are like you didn't know you could do this I'm like no I I knew you could Foster and I knew that I could adopt a baby or adopt internationally I didn't know I could adopt through the foster care system and so for 5 years we're trying to like sift through information the data shows it takes people 5 years to think about adoption for the very first time and to actually take steps moving forward so we kind of Hit the data point but it's a sad data point right yeah right so we ended up um going through the classes had incredible experience through all of the training and learning I went through therapy for myself cuz I was like I have childhood wounds I need to be a good mom in the space I want to go take care of me totally and what actually happened Rachel is um our kids moved in so we ended up we had declared we wanted to help kids ages 7 through 11 thinking about Grandpa Sam and my husband did not want a big family I really did and so I said well we'll just get the two we want together like that to me would be so wonderful cuz big win yeah like I have siblings I would never imagine being separated so when we were match their kids they were in preschool they were three and four and very quickly we became aware of like we didn't know anyone else doing this and so a lot of people asked us and there was a moment so Rachel we were told that my kids were supposed to take about four months with us that legally we could go like to court and like make a date and and finalize the adoption and we're N9 months in and from what I'd heard from all my girlfriends that decided to have biological children like that's your moment right like you're packing your bag you're going to the hospital and you're like I'm bringing my baby home yeah and put my kids to bed and had this like emotional breakdown in my bathroom I'm just like crying cuz I'm just like God like 9 months like I don't even know what's going on here like did did I do this wrong and it was because you were too you weren't far enough in the process of the adoption end is what you're saying yeah like there was no end and no like definitive end so I'm like how much longer is this thing going to take and these kids that I'm just seeing go through so much and I just saw this opportunity of like there's a silver lining in this we didn't know anyone doing it but we could use the delay to teach other people so it kind of went quickly Rachel I went from having a Blog that had a pretty decent readership but no one would talk to me they were just very curious and I respect that and then once we finalized the adoption another N9 months later uh we started coaching couples in our living room they would just come over and we'd kind of be like hi it's really complicated but you can do it too and then the pandemic hit and all of a sudden friends moved to Michigan and they were like can you use zoom can you teach your friends here and then through a stimulus payment I ended up writing down those coaching sessions into a book and that's how I now teach the country on how to even though the names are a little bit different which is this one right actually this is the newest one this is the newest one yeah what was your first one the Forgotten adoption option okay so last little bit I really am a believer when you give and you serve it changes who you are and when you live a life of service um again it can look it can look all different ways but for you I mean fostering that is that's the ultimate act I mean that to me that's like laying your life down and saying oh my gosh I'm going to take in vulnerable children who need who need a home like it's just it is it is mind-boggling so what has it done to you your husband your marriage uh when you live a life of service how how has life changed to me it was like we got on the bowl and we held on right like we were like okay let's let's just see what happens with this right but I think for us we we now feel like helping people see that there are children that are adoptable in foster care is our family's Ministry and we like stumbled into it and it's the most amazing thing my son during the pandemic um you know kids were at home they weren't at school they could write about anything I coming out with my first book and he was like Mom I want to do foster care and Foster Care adoption and he goes online and everything online is jargony and it's cuz it's a state program it's a government program and so his teacher was like sweetie it's okay you can switch topics and he was like no I have to help my peers understand who I am and so I think for me the beauty of like watching my own children and others that have been impacted and like we're we're helping you see this entire population that's right around us right the data shows that from all the families that have children across their country one in 25 which is like a typical classroom size one in 25 is adopted but yet we don't really talk about it right like it's not like a welcomed celebrated story and I know there's different Dynamics behind all that but for our family helping people see that and appreciate it and just kind of Wonder like I wonder what I could do in that space right we had some family friends that are empty nesters like you mentioned like maybe you're not called to this directly they said Marcy we see this this family you're helping they're getting three teenagers can we help in some way well they need a match so they were like we'd love to pay for that and so there's like really beautiful ways to do things and I'll even mention too Rachel you were saying some different programs you're aware of so the um Dave Thomas foundation for adoption has something called the adoption friendly workplace toolkit so when my husband and I went through this process we went to our employers like we don't have adoption benefits we'd like adoption leave and they were like okay we don't do that and so we pulled some templates off online and they went and did this and like created some benefits for us and anyone can do this so like easy thing any no matter where you work you is Dave Thomas the Wendy's guy yeah the Wendy's guy yeah yeah yeah yeah he was adopted through foster care yeah oh my gosh I don't know if I knew that yes so that's why yeah he's now dis right but that's so his foundation what's beautiful is you can take their toolkit any of us can and we can go to our employers and say hi I want to make sure that no matter how anyone becomes a parent we have benefit so a girlfriend in St Louis her company has 700 people she was like I'm just going to print the guy she shows her employer they roll it out the next enrollment season they had two families sign up to adopt right away because they simply have the support to take time off have some leave and I think currently across the country there's at least a couple hundred companies that do this so that's like an incredible easy thing any of us can do and then the second thing I want to mention is there's an organization called The Gift of Adoption Fund and I've heard you talk about more than once that you and Winston like really want to help someone adopt one day that's exactly what they do they collect funds and give out grants across the country and so you can even tell them well I really want to help someone like this or this is kind of the scenario and they help match that up you that dream and on top of it a lot there's an interesting subset in the space that a lot of times when you're adopted through foster care about 30% of the time you're adopted by someone you're kin to so like Grandma's helping or Uncle something like that and you often the biggest expense you have for foster care is renovating your home so like my husband and I needed to hire a carpenter so that we could kind of get one of our bedrooms ready and that can be really expensive gift of Adoption Fund also gives out grants for that so there's like really interesting ways that people can be yes yeah and that's the creativity part that's so good it's like it's the needs you may not even be aware of from someone on the outside that's not like super plugged in like you are um but the things around that people dream up is just beautiful so great that's amazing so so incredible thank you Marcy so much for coming and I love that you want to talk about this and show people how they can get involved for sure sharing your story and and all of it because again I think it's always so encouraging to put to put a face with a story and I don't know it's always one of those things that I'm like okay we're going to survive as a country like there's so people out there that are doing amazing work and they're not always highlighted people like you and your family so uh yep I'm so thankful that we got to share your story and where can people find more out about you what you're doing your book again this is uh what to know when you adopt through foster care great simple title which I love I'm like when I see good titles I'm like that's it that's like what people want it's like that's a great title but where can people find you the book everything yeah easiest place to go is forgotten adoption option.com you can find all my social handles there Facebook LinkedIn Instagram and as I mentioned to you earlier Rachel there there's like such an interesting like sort of intimacy in the space like can I trust someone can I ask them anyone is welcome to reach out anytime and ask anything I use my lunch hour I actually have a day job in a whole different field this is a volunteer project a passion project so I use my lunch hour and time when my family is at martial arts to help coach family so if there's something on a listener's mind that they're like I've always wanted or I've always wondered if this is really holding me back just ask yes I'm happy to help oh that's amazing thank you thank you thank you and what a great resource you guys uh for her and everything that that she's doing so make sure to check her out I'll put all that stuff in the show notes as well so make sure to click through and and see what you're doing and if you know someone who's considering adoption make sure to share this episode with them and if you are someone who has been thinking about adopting but again the cost is such a roadblock for you I would encourage you to check out my episode on how to double your money next and I'll put that link in the description as well so thanks again Marcy for coming and you guys remember as always take control of your money and create a life you love
